Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
