Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
