Jerry, you need to find god
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
