spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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