I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Quick, to the slutcave!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
