Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
