hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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