I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
