I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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