Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
