My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
