Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
