I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize