I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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