Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
high people should be assigned attendants
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
