you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
