Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
