we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
