Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
