You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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