i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
