how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
