that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
