My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
