I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
