why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
