everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
