Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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