wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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