def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I would fuck him just for his dog
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
