mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
