It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just invented taco cereal.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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