We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
