People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
