Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
