someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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