i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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