the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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