If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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