So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
