JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
