There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
