Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
