i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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