Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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