i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dignity is for republicans.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
