How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize