Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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