just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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