the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
