Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
