True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
