he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
