I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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