I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We left an ass print on the piano.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
