omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
