I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
