Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she pinky promised me she was 18
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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